Keep Smiling

Ahh Big Spoon. Today you truly out did yourself. You put me down so low last night, talking about how things might be when she comes back...When I'm trying to go to sleep at night, it's the last thing I want to hear. I need to hear it though, because it keeps me grounded. It reminds me that you're there and I'm here, and unless something drastic happens that's the way it'll continue to be.

But today, today was something I halfway expected, but never thought would ever actually happen. When I was in Las Vegas, you asked me what my favorite flowers were. We were playing the question game and I didn't think twice. Calla lillies and Bird of Paradise- my absolute favorites. When you snuck it into conversation today, 2 days before my birthday---I considered the possibility but decided not to hype myself up.

I knew it had to be you when the delivery driver walked into the lobby at my work though. He asked for me by name and of course---who else could it be. I didn't even blush. I couldn't do anything except smile. You knew I had a terrible day, that my birthday was in 2 days- how perfect was your timing!

Your message:

To L,

Here's your pick me up and early birthday gift.

Keep Smiling!

J

So simple, yet it meant so much- especially after our talks recently. I know I won't be the only one hurting when this is over. But that's the thing---I'm not sure how 'over' this can be, ever. Everyone was happy for me of course- If I'm happy, their happy. My sister warned me not to fall in love with your image... I didn't have the heart to tell her, but I think I already have.

I came home from work and we chatted and talked and laughed like we always do. We even sang your favorite kareoke songs. We named the bear you sent with the flowers. I'm going to miss this. I know you're going to miss it, too. I'm just not sure how you're going to handle it. I think you really love her. But I know you can't deny your feelings for me. I know it's wrong to be hopeful, but a girl can dream can't she? Of course, I want you to be happy no matter what. But, I can't lie and say I wouldn't prefer for you to be happy with me.

Only time will tell. I have no choice. I'm absolutely spellbound by you- I never stood a chance.

Little Spoon