Weekend Update

What a nice, easy day at home. The only thing I didn't like about it was that you couldn't be here to share it with me. I'm so relaxed, but in a way still so sad. Still have your flowers in my room, your teddy bear on my bed, and your picture in my mind. All I want is to hear your voice, to have you call my name. All I want to hear you say is that you want to come here, you want to see me. I know it's asking too much, but I want to get you on the next flight out.

I have to know. I have to know if you're the one. My mind and heart will never stop, the racing questions will never cease until I see you with my own two eyes. I can't explain it. Words can't explain it. My friends are starting to ask if we still talk- they never used to ask about you before. You are starting to have an incredible impact on my life. In a great way.

I have so much to tell you! I want to tell you about the Brit I met the other day. I want to tell you about the kittens we found in my friends' yard, about how the intro to "Fade to Black" by Dire Straits reminds me of you. I want to tell you about the night I'm about to spend in Manhattan, because I just know you'd love New York City as much as I do. I want to show you pictures of what's gone on this past week, my sister's kareoke video. All that good stuff.

I'm just wondering if that's what would be best for you. I don't want to make you feel unfaithful. But, I want you to know: I'm welcoming you into my heart, 100%- which rarely ever happens.

Fade to black.

Yours,

Little Spoon

I want to scream

I want to scream so loud you hear me all the way across the pond and come to see what's wrong. As if it wasn't bad enough that I couldn't properly speak to you this morning because I was in the car with my father, I also missed your messages.

I won't talk to you again until probably Sunday night- if I'm lucky. Just don't forget about me, ok? Don't forget the way it feels when we finally do get to talk and the release there is, when you realise that there's still something there.

I know you're frustrated. That's twice today that you've tried to contact me with no avail. Trust me, I'm frustrated too. I'm going to miss you this weekend. But next weekend in Atlantic City is going to be absolutely criminal. I'm going to miss you the most, then.

Until then, I'll keep smiling.

Yours,
Lil Spoon

I'm at War

It's early morning at work. I've only just got in, and I know you just got off your break at work. All I can hear is the wooshing of cars down below in the street, the slight sound of the music in the back spa area, and these keys typing. I'm not thinking, just writing. Thinking hurts right now.

I'm trying to block out the conversation we've just had. I don't want to have these anymore. I don't want to hurt, and I don't want to expect the world from you, when we both know how unrealistic it is. Why can't we just let it go? There is nothing harder than wanting something you just can't have. I'm forced to hope that if I were face-to-face with this situation, you'd choose me- because I couldn't handle it otherwise. You know how my parents feel about their prim and proper daughter fighting- I'd fight a Brit broad for you- and God only knows what they're capable of.

"Hey lil spoon? It's me big spoon! I'm just on my break at the gym, just wanted to say hi cause I haven't had the chance to...I'm going to try to go on when I get home, but I don't know. I just wanted to tell you have a good weekend...Because it could be a bit awkward- you know what I mean?."

I was in the car with my father so I didn't say much. Even if I hadn't been with my dad I'm not sure of what I would've been able to say. I wanted to scream: OF COURSE I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN. I'M NOT THICK! Of course it's going to be awkward because she's going to be there. Of course she'd freak out if she found out- seeing as you already tried denying it. She probably expected you to break this off. Except there's nothing to break off. It's just me, you, and a telephone- nothing we're doing is wrong- aside from the fact that we want to be together. Maybe just maybe, that would make her upset. I know it bothers me that you want to be with her, and she had you 18 months before I did. See the right thing to do would be to let you go. I sort of tried and we both held on even tighter. I need to meet you. I need to see who you really are, what you're really about. I need to get this off of my chest before it eats me alive.

My throat is starting to itch. I'm thinking too hard- this is beginning to hurt. Not as bad as the first couple days where I legitimately cried my eyes out...But this is a close second. The sad part is that, at least in a physical way you've moved on. Or started something new. I made out with one person on my birthday, and it meant absolutely nothing to me the next day when I spoke to you. I wonder what it's like for you to spend an entire weekend and then come home and speak to me for a few hours on end every day in the week.

I hope I remind you of something she just can't offer you- even if it's just the novelty of being American. I hope I stand for something that she lacks. If things ever get really serious between you two again, I hope you'll remember me and think twice. Think of what we could have. I'm tired of thinking.

Decidedly yours,

Little Spoon

iPhone update 8/13/09

I think of you all the time.

We had a 3 hour conversation yesterday morning...About us, about life after 21, our families- the usual. We know how weird we are for continuing this...At this rate I'm just curious as to why neither one of us seems to care about how weird we are and/or feel.

I wish you came home to me.

I was at work today and there was a man who came in to teach a haircutting class. His name was James, and he was from the UK. Cruel irony. He looked nothing like you, but I couldn't help but feel his glare on me. No way that guy was gay. I just wanted to scream "I've my own Brit, thank you!" Then he came over and started asking questions about the massages. I nearly died. Too ironic, too much for me to take in all at once. The other girls were astonished that I could understand what he was saying... I explained that after having talked to you for nearly two months, I have no problem understanding Brits, or even immitating them, at this point.

I hate to like you.
I hate that I see you, every where I go. When I've never even properly seen you at all.
I hate myself for not being able to let go.
I hate this world, for being such an unfair place.
and
I hate you, at no fault of your own.

Yes, I hate you so much.

Yours,

Little Spoon

iPhone update 8/12/09

Sometimes love comes around...
So today we only had the chance to IM... You said you were going out to get some food and see a movie. I'm inclined to think it's with her, which bums me out.

I told you about my hard partying ways these last couple of days. I know how you feel hearing it- happy for me but slightly sad in a "wish I were there." sort of way.

You told me that I'm the only reason you'd come here right now. My coworker read it and I wanted so much just to tell you at that second how badly I wish you were able to come. I know you would- I'm almost afraid you might. I'm almost scared to meet you. You're currently one of the most amazing guys I know, I wouldn't know how to feel if that view changed for me.

I bet we never expected this to be so serious. You surprised me. I thought you were just some British pervert who was going to try to come to my town and take me out... All for one purpose: sex. Now you're telling me that you wouldn't do that to me- I'm too classy and I don't deserve that from you.

But boy, I wish I could meet you.

I haven't told you yet, but I'm on a dating website. I don't know why, but I can't bring myself to tell you. For one thing I feel that you'd rather not know. And for seconds, I know how we both felt when you told me about her... It'd be nice to avoid revisiting that. Originally my thought had been that it had been so easy to win you over with just my personality- my looks weren't taken into account. I figured maybe online dating would help remind people that I'm not just a pretty face. The sad part is though that at this point I have multiple possible suitors- yet it's you who I'm willing to give my heart to. I want nothing to do with these guys and every text, IM, or message I send feels half-hearted and wrong. I just keep wishing it was you.

The hardest part is feeling like this was fate, and not being able to know why we can't just be. It's beyond frustrating when you find something like this, and you can't even fully experience it.
I know you feel the same.

Lil Spoon

Turning Points

I turned 21 on Monday. Before it happened, I thought this was a no-big-deal birthday. I've already gone to the bars, gone to the clubs, sat in the lounges. I've had my share to drink, and I've gone to plenty of parties. I had no idea that life on the legal side of drinking could be so much fun. I know it's going to get old, fast...But for now, I really just want to enjoy it. I wish you were here with me.

You called me from London on my birthday, as promised. You didn't even miss a beat. I was getting ready to go to the beach, and you phoned right around the time you said you would. I love that stability about you. It's not that you're predictable...It's that you're reliable. They don't really make them like that anymore. You talked to my best friend for the first time- I liked that. I liked that you were surprised by how short a conversation it was- because it meant that you wanted more. I know you want to know more about this side of my life. And that's very bittersweet to me- cause I want you to know more too.

You called again yesterday, to check in and see how my birthday was. I think it was the shortest phone conversation we've ever had- 35 minutes- aside from the times where we've been disconnected or I had to go because I was at work. I told you about my night- all the details except one- I guess I realized I can tell you almost anything.

That's the one thing we don't talk about -the others. You won't talk about her, and I refuse to tell you about anyone in my life. I don't know why we insist on keeping this illusion- if it's for the sake of saving face or what... But I can't even bring myself to tell you that I kissed a guy who I've known for years on my birthday. It's ridiculous, I know...Especially considering that I can only imagine what you two are up to, now that you're trying to work things out!

I'm cautiously optimistic that I'll hear from you again today. I'm trying really hard to treat this as though you're just my friend. But when I hear your voice, or see your picture, I can't help but get those feelings in my tummy. When we talk and I'm home I'll snug up to Burton- because oddly enough it makes me feel close to you.

I know if you were here or I were there, we'd be together. That's the hardest part in all of this. The thing is though, it doesn't hurt like it did a few days ago. Maybe because I'm getting used to this...I'm trying really hard not to expect too much- but you, always manage to surprise me.

You're amazing Big Spoon. She's a very lucky girl...With any luck someday I'll get my chance.

Yours,
Little Spoon

My Favorite Part So Far

About our story, about this story - is that I can read it over and over. It chokes me up, gives me butterflies, and makes me smile- all at the same time. Thank you, for choosing to be a part of my life, time and time again.

Little Spoon