Surrender

I look down and my cell phone rings
And I see your name and I know what that means
But I don’t care
I’ll just hold on
Till your gone
-blake shelton

Never stops. your voice is the only thing that cures my broken heart time and time again

Let your love flow

I haven't written in a few days because it's been a whirlwind of emotions. From indifference (when I don't talk to you), to jealousy (for obvious reasons), to just wanting to hold you and tell you I love you, it's been a mess. It's almost better when we don't talk, until I hear your voice and it sends me spinning.

If I could, I'd be on my way to England right now. Sweep you off your feet.

Love,
Little Spoon

When the Wind Blows

Late nights when I stayed up late
All I do is wait and wait
Your never coming home to me
That's the hardest thing to see
-All American Rejects

Could it be? Is it really over? You never used to miss a phone call before. I know you feel bad waking me up, but I WANT you to wake me. I want my phone to ring, I want to hear your voice. I still want you here so badly. I miss you. I know you miss me, too.

Fate sucks.
Prove me wrong.
Please.
Pretty, pretty please.

I know you like it when I ask nicely.

Yours,
Little Spoon

Pink: The one that got away

Gosh, that's a good song. I know you'd love it if you listened to it. Every time I hear it, I think of you. Not that I want to. I don't want to think of you as the one who got away. I either don't want it to get to that point, or I don't want it to end that way.

"His words were like heaven in my hurricane
My knees buckled under
I thought everyone was watching me
Watching you save my life with the song
You were mine
In the back of my mind
Oh just for one night
Just for a while
There's always one that gets away
The one that sneaks up on you that slips away
Two weeks later I was sitting in his apartment
He was making cappuccino
I said what kind of man makes cappuccino
We laughed We laughed We laughed
We laughed 'til tears ran down my face
Oh but my man you're someone else's man
And that ain't the man that I want
But you keep drawing me in with those big brown lying eyes
You'll always be mine
In the back of my mind."

I don't want to miss you. I want to hold on. I don't want this to be over. I want this to work. I know it's selfish, but I'm not like you. You have to see it in the way that it's NOT selfish: I'm giving so much of myself to you, in hopes that you'll respond eventually. I know you feel guilty and I'm sorry. But you need to see the truth, it cannot be ignored. We can't help what happened, it just did. You fell into my lap, and I into yours...This is not something we wanted or expected. But we both want it now, and the decision is yours to make.

Choose wisely. A man could live to regret this type of decision, and I don't want that to be you. Take a chance.

Yours,
LS

How Cruel Can Irony Be?

You might not be eligible for a travel visa to the US. I can't leave the US, or else I risk being detained and deported back to Canada. Seriously? How many borders are going to come between us, before we finally just quit.

Or a stupid yogurt commercial. A stupid yoga commercial about big spoons and little spoons- one that drives you crazy, that you had to sit through with your girlfriend. Gosh, I felt sorry for you when you told me that. I can see this coming: you're either going to feel guilty and stop talking to me. Or, if you don't this will eventually spiral out of control- until we finally have our chance. I don't know if I can keep holding on until the latter occurs.

How long can I delay moving on with my life, when you are clearly at least trying to move on with yours?

Yet, my heart is still in it. People stop judging me so harshly (in regards to you) after they hear us interact. My coworker understood at once- she said "The way you speak to each other, you're completely infatuated. Plus that voice, and he's hot...No wonder you're in love with him."

I'm not in love with you.

I'm

Not

In

Love

With

You.

How could I be? I never met you! I don't know you from Adam. You should be nothing to me.Yet, when I heard your voice, when I spoke to you- a calm washed over me that I haven't felt in days. I was myself again- sunny, happy, hopeful...All things that I don't want to rely on you for. All things that I am capable of myself.

The thing is, there's always a big difference between the way things should be and the way they are. You are her boyfriend. You are simply my friend. My friend who tells me they missed me. My friend who I don't want to go weekends without speaking to. My friend who I so badly want to run up to in an airport and hug and kiss and swing around like lovers who've been seperated for years. My friend, who I'm so convinced- would be the closest to perfect lover that I could find. My friend, who I spend sleepless nights over, either waiting for the phone to ring or talking to you. My friend, who (though I would never TRULY wish for you to be unhappy) I wish would just break up with his girlfriend and come to me. Just a friend...

Just like the friend that I kissed on my birthday- who I can't be with because I thought of you the entire time we kissed. Just like the friend I hugged today, who I spoke to you the entire time he was in front of me, and smiled like a moron because I had just been on the phone with you. Just like the friend I'm going to see a movie with tonight- who's back I'll cling to for dear life on his motorcycle, only thinking of "When will I get the chance to tell big spoon this story!?" Not even savoring the moment with these friends, not even trying to make it work.

Only thinking of you. And I wonder, I wonder just how severely you're feeling similar effects, if at all.

I'm always thinking of you. I miss you before you even say goodbye.

Yours,

Little Spoon

p.s.- that commercial just goes to prove that this is truly the BEST names we could have chosen together.

Sleepless nights

There's some things we don't talk about
Rather do without
And just hold the smile
Falling in and out of lov
eAshamed and proud of
But together all the while
You can never say never
Why we don't know when
Time, time, time again
Younger now than we were before
Don't let me go.
-The Fray

First, dreams of my grandfather. Fits of restless sleep. Sweat. Dreams of cocaine. Sweat. I've never done cocaine. I'm still scared. My grandfather, watching me as I futily attempt sleep. Scared, wishing this phone would ring. It does and it's not you. Ignore. What am I doing? One hour. One hour and fifteen minutes. One hour and a half. Two hours. No sleep. Dreams of drugs, and dead relatives, and no phone calls, no instant messages. No understanding. No telling what is real from what is not- the lines are beginning to blur. You didn't do this- I'm just confused.

Last night I wrote:
Another night without you here and it just gets more and more frustrating . There's a boy I know a boy who could love me and give me a good life. Make me an honest woman some day, maybe even soon. A good boy. I'm going on a ride with him tomorrow... Nothing new for us but I thought you should know. You should know I'm not just stuck and I'm not waiting forever for you. I wanted this more than anything... Part of me still does. Right now nothing hurts or feels more real than the truths which lie ahead- we may never get our chance. You'll settle for Kay and I'll settle for him and how can we ever be sure we made the right choice?

The entire time I'm going to be wondering: what if it were you, what if this was you I was holding onto? What if we had our chance?! What if we missed it? What if what was meant to Be took a wrong turn?

What if I'm alone in this?

I feel like I need to move on but I know as soon as I hear your voice I'll know I was wrong...

Yours,
Little Spoon

Please Read the Letter

Caught out running With just a little too much to hide Maybe baby Everythings gonna turn out fine Please read the letter I mailed it to your door It’s crazy how it all turned out We needed so much more Too late, too late A fool could read the signs Maybe baby You’d better check between the lines Please read the letter, I wrote it in my sleep With help and consultation from The angels of the deep Ah Please read the letter that I wrote Please read the letter that I wrote Once I stood beside a well of many words My house was full of rings and Charms and pretty birds Please understand me, My walls came falling down There’s nothing here that’s left for you But check with lost and found Ah Please read the letter that I wrote Please read the letter that I wrote Please read the letter that I wrote One more song Just before we go Remember baby, You gotta reap just what you sew Please read my letter And promise me you’ll keep The secrets and the memories We cherish in the deep Please read the letter I mailed it to your door It’s crazy how it all turned out We needed so much more Please read the letter that I wrote

[Plant & Krauss]

Weekend Update

What a nice, easy day at home. The only thing I didn't like about it was that you couldn't be here to share it with me. I'm so relaxed, but in a way still so sad. Still have your flowers in my room, your teddy bear on my bed, and your picture in my mind. All I want is to hear your voice, to have you call my name. All I want to hear you say is that you want to come here, you want to see me. I know it's asking too much, but I want to get you on the next flight out.

I have to know. I have to know if you're the one. My mind and heart will never stop, the racing questions will never cease until I see you with my own two eyes. I can't explain it. Words can't explain it. My friends are starting to ask if we still talk- they never used to ask about you before. You are starting to have an incredible impact on my life. In a great way.

I have so much to tell you! I want to tell you about the Brit I met the other day. I want to tell you about the kittens we found in my friends' yard, about how the intro to "Fade to Black" by Dire Straits reminds me of you. I want to tell you about the night I'm about to spend in Manhattan, because I just know you'd love New York City as much as I do. I want to show you pictures of what's gone on this past week, my sister's kareoke video. All that good stuff.

I'm just wondering if that's what would be best for you. I don't want to make you feel unfaithful. But, I want you to know: I'm welcoming you into my heart, 100%- which rarely ever happens.

Fade to black.

Yours,

Little Spoon

I want to scream

I want to scream so loud you hear me all the way across the pond and come to see what's wrong. As if it wasn't bad enough that I couldn't properly speak to you this morning because I was in the car with my father, I also missed your messages.

I won't talk to you again until probably Sunday night- if I'm lucky. Just don't forget about me, ok? Don't forget the way it feels when we finally do get to talk and the release there is, when you realise that there's still something there.

I know you're frustrated. That's twice today that you've tried to contact me with no avail. Trust me, I'm frustrated too. I'm going to miss you this weekend. But next weekend in Atlantic City is going to be absolutely criminal. I'm going to miss you the most, then.

Until then, I'll keep smiling.

Yours,
Lil Spoon

I'm at War

It's early morning at work. I've only just got in, and I know you just got off your break at work. All I can hear is the wooshing of cars down below in the street, the slight sound of the music in the back spa area, and these keys typing. I'm not thinking, just writing. Thinking hurts right now.

I'm trying to block out the conversation we've just had. I don't want to have these anymore. I don't want to hurt, and I don't want to expect the world from you, when we both know how unrealistic it is. Why can't we just let it go? There is nothing harder than wanting something you just can't have. I'm forced to hope that if I were face-to-face with this situation, you'd choose me- because I couldn't handle it otherwise. You know how my parents feel about their prim and proper daughter fighting- I'd fight a Brit broad for you- and God only knows what they're capable of.

"Hey lil spoon? It's me big spoon! I'm just on my break at the gym, just wanted to say hi cause I haven't had the chance to...I'm going to try to go on when I get home, but I don't know. I just wanted to tell you have a good weekend...Because it could be a bit awkward- you know what I mean?."

I was in the car with my father so I didn't say much. Even if I hadn't been with my dad I'm not sure of what I would've been able to say. I wanted to scream: OF COURSE I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN. I'M NOT THICK! Of course it's going to be awkward because she's going to be there. Of course she'd freak out if she found out- seeing as you already tried denying it. She probably expected you to break this off. Except there's nothing to break off. It's just me, you, and a telephone- nothing we're doing is wrong- aside from the fact that we want to be together. Maybe just maybe, that would make her upset. I know it bothers me that you want to be with her, and she had you 18 months before I did. See the right thing to do would be to let you go. I sort of tried and we both held on even tighter. I need to meet you. I need to see who you really are, what you're really about. I need to get this off of my chest before it eats me alive.

My throat is starting to itch. I'm thinking too hard- this is beginning to hurt. Not as bad as the first couple days where I legitimately cried my eyes out...But this is a close second. The sad part is that, at least in a physical way you've moved on. Or started something new. I made out with one person on my birthday, and it meant absolutely nothing to me the next day when I spoke to you. I wonder what it's like for you to spend an entire weekend and then come home and speak to me for a few hours on end every day in the week.

I hope I remind you of something she just can't offer you- even if it's just the novelty of being American. I hope I stand for something that she lacks. If things ever get really serious between you two again, I hope you'll remember me and think twice. Think of what we could have. I'm tired of thinking.

Decidedly yours,

Little Spoon

iPhone update 8/13/09

I think of you all the time.

We had a 3 hour conversation yesterday morning...About us, about life after 21, our families- the usual. We know how weird we are for continuing this...At this rate I'm just curious as to why neither one of us seems to care about how weird we are and/or feel.

I wish you came home to me.

I was at work today and there was a man who came in to teach a haircutting class. His name was James, and he was from the UK. Cruel irony. He looked nothing like you, but I couldn't help but feel his glare on me. No way that guy was gay. I just wanted to scream "I've my own Brit, thank you!" Then he came over and started asking questions about the massages. I nearly died. Too ironic, too much for me to take in all at once. The other girls were astonished that I could understand what he was saying... I explained that after having talked to you for nearly two months, I have no problem understanding Brits, or even immitating them, at this point.

I hate to like you.
I hate that I see you, every where I go. When I've never even properly seen you at all.
I hate myself for not being able to let go.
I hate this world, for being such an unfair place.
and
I hate you, at no fault of your own.

Yes, I hate you so much.

Yours,

Little Spoon

iPhone update 8/12/09

Sometimes love comes around...
So today we only had the chance to IM... You said you were going out to get some food and see a movie. I'm inclined to think it's with her, which bums me out.

I told you about my hard partying ways these last couple of days. I know how you feel hearing it- happy for me but slightly sad in a "wish I were there." sort of way.

You told me that I'm the only reason you'd come here right now. My coworker read it and I wanted so much just to tell you at that second how badly I wish you were able to come. I know you would- I'm almost afraid you might. I'm almost scared to meet you. You're currently one of the most amazing guys I know, I wouldn't know how to feel if that view changed for me.

I bet we never expected this to be so serious. You surprised me. I thought you were just some British pervert who was going to try to come to my town and take me out... All for one purpose: sex. Now you're telling me that you wouldn't do that to me- I'm too classy and I don't deserve that from you.

But boy, I wish I could meet you.

I haven't told you yet, but I'm on a dating website. I don't know why, but I can't bring myself to tell you. For one thing I feel that you'd rather not know. And for seconds, I know how we both felt when you told me about her... It'd be nice to avoid revisiting that. Originally my thought had been that it had been so easy to win you over with just my personality- my looks weren't taken into account. I figured maybe online dating would help remind people that I'm not just a pretty face. The sad part is though that at this point I have multiple possible suitors- yet it's you who I'm willing to give my heart to. I want nothing to do with these guys and every text, IM, or message I send feels half-hearted and wrong. I just keep wishing it was you.

The hardest part is feeling like this was fate, and not being able to know why we can't just be. It's beyond frustrating when you find something like this, and you can't even fully experience it.
I know you feel the same.

Lil Spoon

Turning Points

I turned 21 on Monday. Before it happened, I thought this was a no-big-deal birthday. I've already gone to the bars, gone to the clubs, sat in the lounges. I've had my share to drink, and I've gone to plenty of parties. I had no idea that life on the legal side of drinking could be so much fun. I know it's going to get old, fast...But for now, I really just want to enjoy it. I wish you were here with me.

You called me from London on my birthday, as promised. You didn't even miss a beat. I was getting ready to go to the beach, and you phoned right around the time you said you would. I love that stability about you. It's not that you're predictable...It's that you're reliable. They don't really make them like that anymore. You talked to my best friend for the first time- I liked that. I liked that you were surprised by how short a conversation it was- because it meant that you wanted more. I know you want to know more about this side of my life. And that's very bittersweet to me- cause I want you to know more too.

You called again yesterday, to check in and see how my birthday was. I think it was the shortest phone conversation we've ever had- 35 minutes- aside from the times where we've been disconnected or I had to go because I was at work. I told you about my night- all the details except one- I guess I realized I can tell you almost anything.

That's the one thing we don't talk about -the others. You won't talk about her, and I refuse to tell you about anyone in my life. I don't know why we insist on keeping this illusion- if it's for the sake of saving face or what... But I can't even bring myself to tell you that I kissed a guy who I've known for years on my birthday. It's ridiculous, I know...Especially considering that I can only imagine what you two are up to, now that you're trying to work things out!

I'm cautiously optimistic that I'll hear from you again today. I'm trying really hard to treat this as though you're just my friend. But when I hear your voice, or see your picture, I can't help but get those feelings in my tummy. When we talk and I'm home I'll snug up to Burton- because oddly enough it makes me feel close to you.

I know if you were here or I were there, we'd be together. That's the hardest part in all of this. The thing is though, it doesn't hurt like it did a few days ago. Maybe because I'm getting used to this...I'm trying really hard not to expect too much- but you, always manage to surprise me.

You're amazing Big Spoon. She's a very lucky girl...With any luck someday I'll get my chance.

Yours,
Little Spoon

My Favorite Part So Far

About our story, about this story - is that I can read it over and over. It chokes me up, gives me butterflies, and makes me smile- all at the same time. Thank you, for choosing to be a part of my life, time and time again.

Little Spoon

It's Always Bittersweet

Are you laying on your back? You asked. Sure, why? Cos, you said this is what I would do if I were there. I'd prop myself up on my elbow, look into your beautiful blue eyes. I'd trace my finger around your face, stoping to lightly press my finger on your mouth. I'd tuck your hair behind your ear, and keep tracing my finger around your face. I'd look you in the eyes one more time, and just kiss you- no tongue- just press my lips against yours.

All I could do was sigh and tell you I wish you were here. You said that made your tummy go. I think it Brit speak, that means you had butterflies. I was nearly asleep at 6am- but knowing that I wouldn't hear this again for a long time was difficult. I struggled to stay with you, until you had to hang up. We talked about your girlfriend again- you're cooking dinner for her tonight. I know you love her. I don't even need to explain how badly I wish that could be me. It's almost anguish but when you don't mention it- when I have the chance to think you're mine even for just one minute- it's absolute bliss. There are few moments where the distance doesn't matter. In the last few days, I find myself aching for those moments.

You'll be in London for my birthday. Originally, you weren't sure if you'd be able to call. Now, tomorrow I'm to expect a call between 3 and 4pm your time... 10 and 11am my time. I didn't think you'd go that far. I have a feeling you're going to surprise me with your choices in the next few weeks- I just don't know what kind of surprises.

You said you're not sure how you're going to deal with being in a relationship and trying to keep communication ties with me. Believe me, I understand and support whatever decision you choose to make. You said you'd never done this before, and when I asked what, you replied cheating. That hurt a little bit. You know I don't want to be the other person. We're both selfish to go the way we're going. But then you added that 3 months ago, it would've been easy to see me in the states, and just leave or work something out- whatever happened, would've happened. You expressed your concern that you might struggle more to let me go now that you know me more in depth. I don't even have to tell you how much it hurt to hear. A day late, and a dollar short- that's the story of my life. I'm still holding out hope though (stupid, stupid hope), that this story ends differently.

Your friend told you that there would be no point in coming to meet me here- not because I'm not worth it, but because you'd just have to come back any way. You didn't listen did you? I know you didn't. Whatever amount of time we could spend together, would be worth whatever the cost. The aftermath, we'd deal with ourselves. God, no one could ever understand it- I'm certain of that. No one could understand the ordeal we're going through unless they were in our shoes. How can you choose between the life you live, and the life you could be living? It's unrealistic. I know why you're choosing the path you're choosing- because it just plain old makes sense.

Doesn't make it any easier. The final part of the conversation was my favorite. I asked you -What does your intuition tell you? Like 'nice to have known you...etc' or is it like not over yet? What I was asking you was if in your heart, you felt there was still that you never know what happens, possibility. I expected your answer because it was nearly the same as mine- It's been nice while it lasted, and I enjoyed every moment I got to spend with you. But a big part of me wants to believe that somewhere, sometime in the future whether its 3 months, 6 months, 2 years, I'll get to meet you. I don't know what the circumstances will be, but I want to believe that.

I want to believe that, too. I also want to believe that the circumstances will be better. I know you had to take this chance. I know you love her and want to be with her. I know that you live in another country. But don't think I wouldn't try this with every ounce of seriousness in my body- given the opportunity.

In my heart, I just don't believe that this is how the story ends.

Keep Smiling

Ahh Big Spoon. Today you truly out did yourself. You put me down so low last night, talking about how things might be when she comes back...When I'm trying to go to sleep at night, it's the last thing I want to hear. I need to hear it though, because it keeps me grounded. It reminds me that you're there and I'm here, and unless something drastic happens that's the way it'll continue to be.

But today, today was something I halfway expected, but never thought would ever actually happen. When I was in Las Vegas, you asked me what my favorite flowers were. We were playing the question game and I didn't think twice. Calla lillies and Bird of Paradise- my absolute favorites. When you snuck it into conversation today, 2 days before my birthday---I considered the possibility but decided not to hype myself up.

I knew it had to be you when the delivery driver walked into the lobby at my work though. He asked for me by name and of course---who else could it be. I didn't even blush. I couldn't do anything except smile. You knew I had a terrible day, that my birthday was in 2 days- how perfect was your timing!

Your message:

To L,

Here's your pick me up and early birthday gift.

Keep Smiling!

J

So simple, yet it meant so much- especially after our talks recently. I know I won't be the only one hurting when this is over. But that's the thing---I'm not sure how 'over' this can be, ever. Everyone was happy for me of course- If I'm happy, their happy. My sister warned me not to fall in love with your image... I didn't have the heart to tell her, but I think I already have.

I came home from work and we chatted and talked and laughed like we always do. We even sang your favorite kareoke songs. We named the bear you sent with the flowers. I'm going to miss this. I know you're going to miss it, too. I'm just not sure how you're going to handle it. I think you really love her. But I know you can't deny your feelings for me. I know it's wrong to be hopeful, but a girl can dream can't she? Of course, I want you to be happy no matter what. But, I can't lie and say I wouldn't prefer for you to be happy with me.

Only time will tell. I have no choice. I'm absolutely spellbound by you- I never stood a chance.

Little Spoon

The Things You Say

Today, you stayed home from the bar. You didn't feel well, but I'm not sure that I buy that. When it was time to leave you said you were going to miss 'this'. I stupidly asked what 'this was' and you went into full detail...Including telling me that your girlfriend or whatever she is to you, seems to know about me.

I need to get a boyfriend soon, before this starts hurting too much.

Quote

"It's the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting."
-Paulo Coehlo, The Alchemist

Gluttons for Punishment

When I talked to you last night, I told you what a bad day I had. I knew I couldn't tell you that you actually had something to do with it without raising a bunch of red flags, so I blamed it all on work. The truth is, I could've dealt much better with work, if I hadn't had you on my mind. Or maybe I was angry at myself for letting it get that far...

Regardless, I couldn't ignore you when you made contact. I told you the night before that I'd have to consider breaking off all contact with you if you and your ex got back together. You told me nothing was definite- but that didn't do anything to stop my thoughts of you with someone else. Thoughts that should have never bothered me to begin with!

But they bothered me. Bothered me enough to make me cry- something which I've told you, I rarely do. I think you knew when I told you too, that it had nothing to do with work. I didn't want you to know. As frustrating as the thought of you with someone else is- I would never want to stand in your way. You're a wonderful person who deserves to be happy, and seeing as the odds of it happening with me are slim, you should still try with others. I know you'd step aside for me to do the same.

Yet, its easier said than done. When you called, it was like we never discussed anything else. It was like any other night. What time you coming home, you asked? I'm not sure, I'll let you know. You going to sleep? Yes, you said. When I came home, it was 2:30am my time- 7:30am your time. My phone rang from a blocked number and I knew it had to be you. You starting your day, me ending mine. You said sweet dreams, I said good morning. You said you'd try to call me on your lunch at work, 7am my time. I'm not surprised that you didn't...I know you feel really guilty that I've only gotten 4 hours of sleep in the last 2 days.

You shouldn't you know, I have no one to blame. I did this to myself. You may have charmed me into it, but I fell right into your trap..."And so the lion fell in love with the lamb."

It's my own fault.

August 6th, 2009 -Diary Entry-

If I needed any proof that my past diaries are all cursed, here it is. No sooner had the pen touched the paper, and one day later, everything has changed.

I don't know what came over me, or what even for one fragment of a second allowed me to think I could ever meet Big Spoon. And even if I did-nothing could come of it. He loves his family, and I love mine- we could never leave them. At best, all we could be is friends.

Why? Why can't I meet someone else like him? Someone who would accept me, exactly as I am. And why does the one person who does 'get' me have to live overseas?!

Now that he and his ex are going to try to work things out, everything is going to change. Whatever it was that Big Spoon was able to offer to me- attention, mostly- won't be available to me anymore. And it hurts. It hurts to know that at some other time, in another place, I would be the girl by his side. The idea that we are both going to have to settle for other people to be happy- hurts me. Because in reality, Big Spoon and Little Spoon can't exist.

I never thought I'd cry over someone I don't even know.

August 5th, 2009 -Diary Entry-

Dear Big Spoon,
I don't know if you'll ever get the chance to read this, or if I'll ever really let you. I don't know if I'll ever even have the chance to meet you. For all I know, there's a slight chance that you (as I know you) might not exist. I hope you do. I hope I get to meet you, and when I do - I hope I'm right.

For the last 43 days we've communicated almost every day- sometimes multiple times a day. I am completely smitten by you. You are charming, funny, and understanding. You are everything my ideal man would be, except you live half a world away.

Tonight, my heart hurts. Not of your doing, but just because I wish you could be here with me. How could we lead two such seperate lives and yet still manage to intertwine them? How could someone I never actually met, be so special to me? And most importantly- What is God's point- Why were we brough together, when we are physically so far apart? Was meeting you God's way of saying that I do deserve someone like you in my life? Doesn't matter- I don't think I could meet someone like you.

I'm so confused, wondering if you think of this too.

Yours,
Little Spoon

The Story

June 24th, 2009-Present Day

Just another aggravating day at work. I'm doing inventory and the sun is shining outside. The irony of working in a tanning salon on a sunny day is too much to bear. The phone rings and I hear your voice. Another solicitor from England. Annoying Brits. You just want some information. Information on what, I bark. Your tanning salon, I'm coming there on holiday. I remember the first time you made me laugh: You said tanning in the UK involves as much paperwork as adopting a child. We talked for hours. I was taken aback by your profession but I didn't think twice about it. You told me you were coming to visit, and I was nervous. You asked how old I was, and when I said 20 you were disappointed because we couldn't even go for drinks. We talked about everything possible that first day. Two hours later, I went home. I ate dinner at my computer that night, keeping the conversation flowing...I didn't know then that it would be one of many dinners I ate in front of a screen, in an attempt to communicate with you.

At first we spoke here and there- you called my work, or sent me instant messages...Kept me company when I was bored, or just checked in to say "hello". There was never a point to it- just the idea of having someone to talk to, I guess. But you intrigued the heck out of me. I couldn't wait to meet you- and then you never came. Something bad happen to your boss' godson and you never made it across the pond. We didn't know when you'd get another chance to come to the states, but it didn't stop us from talking.

As time passed on, the conversations grew more intense. We became more and more open with one another- ask me anything, I'd say. Absolutely anything? You'd respond. Yes, absolutely anything. Questions about our families, personal lives, work, friends, and even moral dilemas- we answered, debated, agreed to disagree. Two such different people, willing to meet on common ground. I found myself downloading the most up to date software on my phone so that my IM's wouldn't crash as much and conversation could flow easier. You found yourself more attached to your phone and computer than you ever expected you could be. We turned each other into nerds we didn't even recognize. Two people, who just wanted to talk, no matter what, going to any lenghts. What were the odds?

I went on vacation to Las Vegas. I was stuck on the triple date from hell. All I wanted was for you to come and rescue me. You rescued me by talking to me every day, for hours on end. You kept me sane, and just how much you did, you'll never actually know. Whenever I felt mad, annoyed, or hurt by my fellow vacationers' actions, you reminded me that this was my vacation too. I didn't want to tell you, and I probably wouldn't tell you now... I snuggled up against my pillows all of those nights, wishing and hoping you'd show up.

I came home and then soon the phone calls came. You started setting your alarm to call me at 5 or 6 o'clock in the morning your time- just when I was getting in from my nights out. We caught up on our days, talked about everything, sometimes just dozed softly and comfortably in the silence. You talked me to sleep, and I pretended to be wide awake, because I didn't want you to go. Selfish, maybe. But to be honest, this entire situation has been nothing but proof of self-love. I knew we were starting to get really close...I almost questioned it. I started to worry that maybe we were getting too close. I looked forward to talking to you or hearing from you more than some of my own friends, who I see on a regular basis. We have nicknames for each other, think of one another when we can't be together- on the phone or IM- because in reality, who knows if we'll ever even meet.

Big spoon, this is only the synopsis, the beginning. I don't know if I'll ever let you (or any one else) read this. I'm taking note of this, because the feeling that you give me is something I've never experienced before. You fill my stomach with butterflies at the very sound of your voice, and calm me with your thoughts. We connected with each other on a level I never thought possible. It's our story, and don't be mad, but some day I just might publish it.

Yours,
Little Spoon