I'm at War

It's early morning at work. I've only just got in, and I know you just got off your break at work. All I can hear is the wooshing of cars down below in the street, the slight sound of the music in the back spa area, and these keys typing. I'm not thinking, just writing. Thinking hurts right now.

I'm trying to block out the conversation we've just had. I don't want to have these anymore. I don't want to hurt, and I don't want to expect the world from you, when we both know how unrealistic it is. Why can't we just let it go? There is nothing harder than wanting something you just can't have. I'm forced to hope that if I were face-to-face with this situation, you'd choose me- because I couldn't handle it otherwise. You know how my parents feel about their prim and proper daughter fighting- I'd fight a Brit broad for you- and God only knows what they're capable of.

"Hey lil spoon? It's me big spoon! I'm just on my break at the gym, just wanted to say hi cause I haven't had the chance to...I'm going to try to go on when I get home, but I don't know. I just wanted to tell you have a good weekend...Because it could be a bit awkward- you know what I mean?."

I was in the car with my father so I didn't say much. Even if I hadn't been with my dad I'm not sure of what I would've been able to say. I wanted to scream: OF COURSE I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN. I'M NOT THICK! Of course it's going to be awkward because she's going to be there. Of course she'd freak out if she found out- seeing as you already tried denying it. She probably expected you to break this off. Except there's nothing to break off. It's just me, you, and a telephone- nothing we're doing is wrong- aside from the fact that we want to be together. Maybe just maybe, that would make her upset. I know it bothers me that you want to be with her, and she had you 18 months before I did. See the right thing to do would be to let you go. I sort of tried and we both held on even tighter. I need to meet you. I need to see who you really are, what you're really about. I need to get this off of my chest before it eats me alive.

My throat is starting to itch. I'm thinking too hard- this is beginning to hurt. Not as bad as the first couple days where I legitimately cried my eyes out...But this is a close second. The sad part is that, at least in a physical way you've moved on. Or started something new. I made out with one person on my birthday, and it meant absolutely nothing to me the next day when I spoke to you. I wonder what it's like for you to spend an entire weekend and then come home and speak to me for a few hours on end every day in the week.

I hope I remind you of something she just can't offer you- even if it's just the novelty of being American. I hope I stand for something that she lacks. If things ever get really serious between you two again, I hope you'll remember me and think twice. Think of what we could have. I'm tired of thinking.

Decidedly yours,

Little Spoon