It's Always Bittersweet

Are you laying on your back? You asked. Sure, why? Cos, you said this is what I would do if I were there. I'd prop myself up on my elbow, look into your beautiful blue eyes. I'd trace my finger around your face, stoping to lightly press my finger on your mouth. I'd tuck your hair behind your ear, and keep tracing my finger around your face. I'd look you in the eyes one more time, and just kiss you- no tongue- just press my lips against yours.

All I could do was sigh and tell you I wish you were here. You said that made your tummy go. I think it Brit speak, that means you had butterflies. I was nearly asleep at 6am- but knowing that I wouldn't hear this again for a long time was difficult. I struggled to stay with you, until you had to hang up. We talked about your girlfriend again- you're cooking dinner for her tonight. I know you love her. I don't even need to explain how badly I wish that could be me. It's almost anguish but when you don't mention it- when I have the chance to think you're mine even for just one minute- it's absolute bliss. There are few moments where the distance doesn't matter. In the last few days, I find myself aching for those moments.

You'll be in London for my birthday. Originally, you weren't sure if you'd be able to call. Now, tomorrow I'm to expect a call between 3 and 4pm your time... 10 and 11am my time. I didn't think you'd go that far. I have a feeling you're going to surprise me with your choices in the next few weeks- I just don't know what kind of surprises.

You said you're not sure how you're going to deal with being in a relationship and trying to keep communication ties with me. Believe me, I understand and support whatever decision you choose to make. You said you'd never done this before, and when I asked what, you replied cheating. That hurt a little bit. You know I don't want to be the other person. We're both selfish to go the way we're going. But then you added that 3 months ago, it would've been easy to see me in the states, and just leave or work something out- whatever happened, would've happened. You expressed your concern that you might struggle more to let me go now that you know me more in depth. I don't even have to tell you how much it hurt to hear. A day late, and a dollar short- that's the story of my life. I'm still holding out hope though (stupid, stupid hope), that this story ends differently.

Your friend told you that there would be no point in coming to meet me here- not because I'm not worth it, but because you'd just have to come back any way. You didn't listen did you? I know you didn't. Whatever amount of time we could spend together, would be worth whatever the cost. The aftermath, we'd deal with ourselves. God, no one could ever understand it- I'm certain of that. No one could understand the ordeal we're going through unless they were in our shoes. How can you choose between the life you live, and the life you could be living? It's unrealistic. I know why you're choosing the path you're choosing- because it just plain old makes sense.

Doesn't make it any easier. The final part of the conversation was my favorite. I asked you -What does your intuition tell you? Like 'nice to have known you...etc' or is it like not over yet? What I was asking you was if in your heart, you felt there was still that you never know what happens, possibility. I expected your answer because it was nearly the same as mine- It's been nice while it lasted, and I enjoyed every moment I got to spend with you. But a big part of me wants to believe that somewhere, sometime in the future whether its 3 months, 6 months, 2 years, I'll get to meet you. I don't know what the circumstances will be, but I want to believe that.

I want to believe that, too. I also want to believe that the circumstances will be better. I know you had to take this chance. I know you love her and want to be with her. I know that you live in another country. But don't think I wouldn't try this with every ounce of seriousness in my body- given the opportunity.

In my heart, I just don't believe that this is how the story ends.