Sleepless nights

There's some things we don't talk about
Rather do without
And just hold the smile
Falling in and out of lov
eAshamed and proud of
But together all the while
You can never say never
Why we don't know when
Time, time, time again
Younger now than we were before
Don't let me go.
-The Fray

First, dreams of my grandfather. Fits of restless sleep. Sweat. Dreams of cocaine. Sweat. I've never done cocaine. I'm still scared. My grandfather, watching me as I futily attempt sleep. Scared, wishing this phone would ring. It does and it's not you. Ignore. What am I doing? One hour. One hour and fifteen minutes. One hour and a half. Two hours. No sleep. Dreams of drugs, and dead relatives, and no phone calls, no instant messages. No understanding. No telling what is real from what is not- the lines are beginning to blur. You didn't do this- I'm just confused.

Last night I wrote:
Another night without you here and it just gets more and more frustrating . There's a boy I know a boy who could love me and give me a good life. Make me an honest woman some day, maybe even soon. A good boy. I'm going on a ride with him tomorrow... Nothing new for us but I thought you should know. You should know I'm not just stuck and I'm not waiting forever for you. I wanted this more than anything... Part of me still does. Right now nothing hurts or feels more real than the truths which lie ahead- we may never get our chance. You'll settle for Kay and I'll settle for him and how can we ever be sure we made the right choice?

The entire time I'm going to be wondering: what if it were you, what if this was you I was holding onto? What if we had our chance?! What if we missed it? What if what was meant to Be took a wrong turn?

What if I'm alone in this?

I feel like I need to move on but I know as soon as I hear your voice I'll know I was wrong...

Yours,
Little Spoon